Sunday, November 23, 2008

Heartbroken


Sometimes it is just so very, very hard to thank God
for the suffering that he allows in our lives...

This past Wednesday I went in for my regular OB check up. At the appointment, my midwife was not able to find our baby's heartbeat. She was not very concerned due to the location of my uterus, and the fact that we had a hard time finding Chiquita's heartbeat until the second trimester as well. Nevertheless, she gave me the option of either coming back in two weeks for a recheck, or scheduling an ultrasound. I opted for the ultrasound.

My ultrasound was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30am. I was confident that everything would be fine, but hubby took the morning off work to go with me just the same. I am so thankful that he did.

As the woman started the ultrasound, she didn't say much. I noticed that she was measuring the baby, and asked about it, but then she changed the screen to my overall uterus and she just said that she was taking a couple measurements. A few minutes later she turned to us and said, "I'm afraid that I have bad news for you guys."

Our baby's heart was no longer beating.

It was such heartbreaking news for us, and I immediately started crying.

My uterus measured at the correct 11 weeks gestation, but our baby only measured between 7-8 weeks. They don't know when exactly our little one died, but said that it could have been anytime in the past few weeks.

My midwife prescribed some pain medicine for when the miscarriage starts, and suggested that I schedule a D&C for Monday or Tuesday, which already happen to be two very emotional days for me each year.

I decided to try and see a very pro-life specialist in the area. I have the appointment tomorrow morning. If I end up needing the D&C, I want to have the best doctor available. I am so scared.

Even though I know that our little one is in God's hands, and is perfectly happy, I can't even put into words, how hard this has been for us. It is amazing how quickly you can bond with a child. This baby has only been a part of our lives for a few months, and yet is already so dearly loved and such a precious part of our family.

If you could all please keep us in your prayers, it would be greatly appreciated!

Dear Lord, please help us to be thankful for this cross that You have allowed in our lives. Please give us the grace to carry it, and help us to accept it as Your will.

Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!
Update: Thank You ♥

87 comments:

  1. Jessica, words seem so inadequate as I know they cannot remove the pain you are feeling. But I want to say I am deeply saddened to hear of the loss of your little one. Know that we will be praying for you during this time of sorrow. May you find comfort in your faith and your family. ((HUGS))

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  2. Dear Jessica,

    We suffered the same loss back in June. I know that nothing can take the pain away so I just offer my deepest sympathy and prayers.

    God bless
    Therese

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  3. Jessica, I am so terribly sad to read this, I will pray for you all, may Our Lady draw you all close to her through this very sad time.

    God Bless and lots of love, Anne

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  4. Dearest Jessica and Family,

    You are all in our prayers. May Our Blessed Mother wrap her mantle around all of you.

    Love in Christ,
    Christine

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  5. +JMJ+

    May the Lord always Bless you and keep you,
    May His Face always shine upon you!

    Take your time, you and your husband and children are in my prayers.
    Diane

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  6. Dear Jessica,

    All my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  7. I am so extremely sad to read about the loss of your little one. Praying for you.

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  8. Oh, Jessica. I am so sad for you and your family. I know well the pain of losing your baby before you even have the chance to meet. And the pain of watching your other children deal with this loss is just as deep.

    Your baby's life is richer for all the love and prayers you showered on him or her during that short little life on earth, and yours is, too, even if you can't feel that now.

    I will keep you in my prayers.

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  9. Dearest Jessica,
    I'm so sory for your family's loss. I wish I could take the pain away about the loss of your little one. Please know that we're praying for you. There's a wonderful book called "I'll Hold You Again in Heaven." It was recommended to me by a woman who lost one of her twins just prior to delivery.
    God bless,
    Gail

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  10. I am so sorry, Jessica. We will be praying for you!

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  11. Jessica,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. We will keep you all in our prayers.

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  13. am so sorry Jessica for your loss. I to lost are little one at 10weeks in Jan 08. I can tell you that lots of prayer and time will heal your heart. I pray all goes well for you and your familt during this hard time.
    I offer my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

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  14. I am so sorry Jessica. Prayers.

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  15. Jessica, I am so sorry. You will be in our prayers.

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  16. Jessica and family,
    Your hearts are breaking now but you know that you have one more little saint working on your behalf.
    My prayers are with you, too. Being so devout, I know Thanksgiving will be a joyous one- you have so much to be thankful for.
    Lots of love and hugs,
    Heather

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  17. So many prayers, Jessica...You and your family will be added to our parish prayer chain.

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  18. So heartbroken for you...just tearful, so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers.

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  19. I am so sorry and our family will be praying for you.
    With sympathy-
    Natalie

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  20. Oh Jessica! I am so sorry for your loss. We will keep your family in our prayers. May God Bless you all!

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  21. Through tears I type this, I will be lifting you all up in prayer. Just know you are loved and thought of all the time, times like these make it even harder to be so far away.

    Because you were doing God's will and were open to life, He has another soul with Him.

    Maybe you already know this prayer, but it has helped me a ton, so I hope you don't mind:

    (from my Mothers' Manual)

    To A Child In Heaven
    My darling, you have gone to heaven to be eternally happy, and are now in joy in the company of the holy innocents there. It was a thing hard for me to understand when you were taken from me (my arms), for parting with you has caused me grief that few can know. Yet in all my grief I am happy, very happy for you, because I know that joy that is yours. Your joy is now my joy too, because I can always feel that I had a part in bringing it to you. Now that you are in heaven, I realize that you are mine in a truer sense than you could ever be on earth. I cannot lose you now through sin. While parting with you was hard, I would not wish you back because I know that you are happier than I could ever make you here with me.

    Help me, as you now can with your intercession, that I may be completely faithful to all my duties here on earth and merit to receive you again in eternal joys where there will be no more sorrow or parting from those we love.

    Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, lover of little children, Hear my prayer!

    In
    ♥JMJ♥
    Love Jamie

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  22. May God bring comfort and peace to your hearts during this time of sadness. I will keep you all close in my prayers.

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  23. I am so sorry for your loss Jessica! You and your family will be in my prayers!

    Sarah

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  24. Dear Jessica,

    My heart aches for you. I will be praying. God bless you and your precious family. God is faithful!

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  25. I am so very sorry. You are in our prayers.

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  26. yo yo, you know i love ya....call me after your appt
    r

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  27. You know all of my family have been praying for you and your beautiful family. We love you guys and hate to see you hurting. We are still praying, each of us, for you and yours.

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  28. Deepest sympathy and prayers. Mother Mary Comfort you.

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  29. Oh sweet Jessica....even though I have never met you I follow your blog and seem to know you just like a friend.

    This saddens me so. My hugs and prayers are sent to you.

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  30. Our family will pray for yours. We are truly so sorry for your lost. God Bless You!
    Elizabeth
    CA

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  31. Dear Jessica,
    I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Know that many are praying for you and lifting you up through this sea of pain. May your faith, which is daily a beautiful inspiration to so many, again be a source of strength and comfort for you while you grieve and heal.Praying especially that you will be spared intervention. xo

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  32. Jessica,

    I wish we could all be there for you to comfort you, but even better than words, our prays are with you and God knows exactly what you need. He is holding you tight with one hand with your baby in the other. You are still together.

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  33. Jessica,
    I'm so sorry you're hurting so right now. I pray you will find peace in God's love for you. He knows what is best for us all. You are such an inspiration to all of us who haven't even met you. He will do GREAT things with your heartache so remember to offer it to Him. I am praying for you and your family to openly receive abundant graces in your time of sorrow. Love, Lori

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  34. I am truly so sad for you. Many prayers for you all, Jessica.

    -Grace

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  35. Praying for your family, Jessica.

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  36. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  37. I am so sorry Jessica! You will stay in my prayers!

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  38. Praying for you and your family.

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  39. I am so, so sorry. May God comfort you. With prayers,
    Suzanne

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  40. Jessica, our deepest sympathies... lots of prayers and hugs for you and your family. We lost our first child, pretty much the way you described as well. So sorry for your loss.

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  41. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Prayers will be offered for your comfort.

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  42. I'm at a loss of words for you dear Jessica. Know that i'm praying for you and your dh and sweet family.
    May Our Lady hold you two closely and wrap you up in her loving arms -
    Shelly

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  43. Oh Jessica I'm so very sorry. Please know you are in my prayers. God bless you.

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  44. Dear Jessica, I am sorry for your loss and the pain your family is going through. I am praying for all of you.
    hugs,

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  45. Dear Jessica, my heart goes out to you and your family. We have lost four little ones and I know how hard that ultrasound is...and how much it aches to say goodbye before you've even had the chance to say hello.

    God has all the answers, of course, and He is beside us through the pain. Won't it be something to see the beauty and the wisdom of His plan one day? I, for one, can't wait.

    With much love & many blessings,

    Margaret

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  46. Jessica,
    I am praying for you and your family at this time of sorrow and heart break. I ask Our Lady to hold you close to her through this time. God Bless Leanne

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  47. Sending prayers for you and your family - thoughts filled with sadness for you and yours. Many blessings on you.

    elm

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  48. Jessica, I am so sorry and sad for you. I don't even know what to say but sorry. I will prayer for you and your family

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  49. Dear Jessica,

    I am so, so sorry to hear this sad news. I will be praying for you in the days and weeks ahead.

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  50. Jessica, I am new to your blog but had to respond. I want to let you know I will keep you in my prayers. My heart aches for you. I lost my first baby and just as you my pregnancies have never been easy. But, God has given me two precious angels here on earth. I know he is holding the third in his arms.

    When you go for your doctors appointment please remember that the kids and I will say a rosary for you and your baby.

    May God wrap his arms around you.

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  51. I am so sorry..you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers..{{hugs}}

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  52. I found your site via Elizabeth. Please know you are in my prayers. I do not know why God allows us to suffer so, but you and your precious baby are in His Hands. Much love to you....

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  53. I am so sorry, dear Jessica. You and your family will remain in my prayers while you bear the weight of this heavy cross.

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  54. Jessica, I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family.

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  55. Oh, my dear, I am so very, very sorry and sad for you. My deepest sympathy, and many prayers.

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  56. Praying for you Jessica!
    ~Angela

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  57. Jessica!

    {Big Hug}

    I sure love you guys and I am sorry for your loss.

    I had a missed miscarriage in between Lauren and Bennett. (The baby died but my body didn't abort it on it's own.) I had to have a D and C and they are not fun. I am so sorry.

    If you can, opt for some good drugs to help because it isn't fun.

    But you are strong and wonderful! You will do great! (I'm MUCH weaker.)

    Love and hugs,
    Margaret

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  58. Our thoughts, love, and prayers are with you and your family, Jessica.

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  59. Jess.
    My whole family has been praying for you. God Bless.

    Katrina

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  60. Jessica, I am praying for you and your family. I am so very sorry to hear such sad news. May our Lord and His Mother bring you comfort and strength during this painful time.

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  61. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you... oh, I just want to cry...

    May Jesus hold you extra close during this time of sorrow.

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  62. Dear Jessica,

    I'm new to your blogsite (since Columbus Day)and I wanted to tell you that you and your family are truly edifying!

    I experienced the same thing at 16 weeks and I know how painful this is for you. My prayers will be with you. I ended up having a D+C and arranged for the hospital's Chaplain to come to me when I awoke to bless the baby with Holy water and say all the appropriate prayers, which gave me great comfort. I know your heart is breaking right now and I am SO sorry!
    Peace be with You!
    Danielle

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  63. Oh, Jessica, I am so very sorry. I will keep you and your beautiful family in my prayers.

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  64. Jessica,

    I am so sorry about your loss. May God Bless you and your husband and family during this very sad time.

    May you now look to this baby as a special intercessor for your family and May God Bless you with many more children.

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  65. Dearest Jessica, I am weeping this morning as I read your news and feel your heartbreak. Know that I will hold you in prayer continually and pray for the healing of all the hearts in your beautiful family. May your Heavenly Mother be ever near to you now.

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  66. Dear Jessica and family. We were so sorry to hear your news. Praying for you with sincere and deep sympathy. God bless you and your wonderful family.

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  67. Oh Jessica I am so so sorry to read this. My prayers are with you all and especially that sweet soul in heaven. Holding you close in prayer also {{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}

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  68. Dear Jessica,
    Every time I try to leave a comment my silly satellite gets snow on it (or something) and I can't finish. I prayed for you all weekend... praying that the baby was okay... some things in this life just don't have answers.
    You have become dear to me very quickly, a "kindred spirit" as Anne would say. :) My heart is so sad for you. At Mass on Sunday Fr. said in re: to our problems, "Pray them right up into God's lap."
    Love and prayers,
    Kristyn

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  70. I lost a son, Francisco, in the same way in 2004. Miscarriage is awful. Now I pray to my son all of the time. Both my husband & I have heard our son talking to our hearts during Adoration. Please know that the "Blessed are they that Mourn, for they shall be comforted" happens this side of heaven. My husband and I are secular Carmelites. We will constantly pray and offer up sacrifices for you & your husband during this hard time.

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  71. Jessica, I am so sorry. I know that losing a baby, and the waiting are such sad times. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  72. Dear Jessica,

    My heart goes out to you and of course, my prayers as well!
    Your little one must be so happy now with the Blessed Mother under her mantle in Heaven!

    If I may suggest, when I had my first miscarriage, I prayed very often the Our Lady of Perpetual Help Novena. It helped a great deal with the grief.

    Take care and rest,
    Mrs. L

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  73. I am so terribly sorry. I read this post yesterday and my heart goes out to you. I had this reply all planned out to tell you how comforting it is to know that your baby is in heaven with Jesus and you have an extra angel to pray to and have intercede on your behalf. I was also going to remind you that your baby lived a perfect life. It never needed or wanted, it brought so much joy. I was due 2 days after you and today I found out that I have to tell myself those very same words. It's an incredible pain and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with it too. My prayers are with you. And we can look forward to meeting our babies one day when it's our time to go be with Jesus.

    Take care.

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  74. I am very sorry to read of this news. It has saddened me very much.
    Be assured of my prayers in this time of sorrow.
    God Bless
    Robert

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  75. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's terribly hard to have a miscarriage just before the holidays too.

    I wish you peace and healing.

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  76. I am sooo sooo sorry, Jessica. It is amazing how quickly you fall in love with an unborn baby. I hope you heal from the D&C quickly. I'll be praying for you!

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  77. Dear Jessica,

    I know many people will say "I know" what you are going through.

    But I really do know.

    I read your story tonight, and felt myself pulled back through time two and a half years ago.

    I, too, went to a "regular" ob visit, and waited for a heartbeat.

    I also went to an ultrasound, thinking that as with the previous pregnancies, there was just some other reason why there was no heartbeat.

    I saw my baby, so beautiful, so perfect, so still.

    I did not schedule a D&C - I was just not able to bring myself to do it. But two weeks later, I did miscarry.

    And the pain of it resonated in my heart for the longest time.

    But....it does not last forever.

    The pain - sharp at first - does fade to a dull ache after some time.

    And it does become easier to bear.

    It will, strangely enough, in time, turn into peace as you realize that your child is with Him.

    My prayers are with you, and your family, as you travel this path with Him.

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  78. Dear Jessica,

    I am so grieved to learn of this very sad news. Please know how much I pray for you and all your family. After the first bitterness is over, I hope you will be consoled to know that you have co-created with God a soul for eternity. After Blessed Zelie Martin, the mother of your beloved St. Therese, lost four children, she wrote "People said to me 'it would be better if you had never had them,' but I could not endure this way of talking. I did not regret the anxieties and cares I had borne for them. It did not seem to me that these could be weighed in the same scale with the eternal happiness of my children. And then, they are not lost forever; life is short and filled with crosses, and we shall find them again up above."

    May God bless and protect you.

    prayerfully, Maureen

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  79. My heart aches along with yours, Jessica. We're praying for all of you and asking your new little saint to intercede on your behalf.

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  80. My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved baby.

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  81. I will be praying for your grieving family at this sorrowful time. God loves you dearly.

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  82. I am so sorry, Jessica. Please know you are in my prayers at this difficult time.

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  83. I'm so sorry, Jessica. I have heard that miscarriages are very, very hard on the whole family. We will definitely pray for you and your family.

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  84. Oh, my dear friend...there are no adequate words to convey my deepest condolences for your loss. Having just spent a day of joy, I finally re-entered the blogworld for a quick visit with your sweet family. Many prayers for your and your family during this time of loss. I know only too well how deep the pain is, and how much the comfort of friends and family help ease the ache. May our most Blessed Mother comfort you...I wish I could give you a hug...

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